You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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