I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
