just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You pole danced in your parka.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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