I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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