Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
