Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
