I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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