Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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