I'm gonna have a badass scar
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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