I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
