i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
