good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This toilet bowl is my home.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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