Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
