At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
