me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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