I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
