I wish I could teleport
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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