Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
