I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
