You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
