Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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