guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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