i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
