bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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