Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
