Your mouth is God's brothel.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
