I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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