The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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