If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
