If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
