i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
