I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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