If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
