I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
