I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Every concussion has its silver lining
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
