The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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