I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
