if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize