Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
