I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
