apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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