Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
