she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
