And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You left your phone here
Wait...
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