i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
