Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
