I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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