we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
