I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
