Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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