Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
