Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
