You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
