I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
