I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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