stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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