Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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