and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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